In this episode we are going to be talking about how to confront  misbehaviour while avoiding an argument. I am going to give you five keys on how you can address behaviour in a way that actually fosters relationships rather than destroying or breaking down relationships. 

This episode is brought to you by The Behavior Management Blueprint which is my free Ebook and video course that will teach you the five fundamentals of behaviour management. You can get it free of charge by checking out my website – Calmerclassrooms.today.

How to confront behavior without having an argument ?

1. Start with Appreciation

The first thing is this; whenever you have a conversation with somebody about their misbehavior, whether it is a student, colleague or leader, you need to start with appreciation.  Recognize what they do right. If you appreciate them and show them that you see what they have done right, what it does is it helps to diminish the defensive posture. If you just go straight in with the negative comment or the correction immediately, they will have a defensive posture and  are more likely to argue with you.

When you start off with a positive approach and just say “Hey I just want to have a chat with you. I love the way that you are working at the moment, it has been really great to see you focusing, however, I just need to talk to you about a particular behavior that is having a negative effect on the classroom”. Then you can go into it. What this does is, it just softens the blow and the confrontation and it helps to avoid defensiveness. So start with showing appreciation for something they do well and what they are good at.

2. Responding to misbehavior indirectly

The second thing is this. You need to try responding to misbehavior indirectly. What that means is, acknowledging the misbehavior without bringing attention to it or drawing too much public attention to it. So one of the things that you can do in the classroom is parallel acknowledgement. You might have a child that is calling out and you speak to the child next to him and say,  “Hey I love the way you are putting up your hand”. What you are doing is saying to the child that is calling out, “I can see that you are calling out but I am not going to focus directly on your behavior, I am going to let you know what I am waiting for. By praising the person that is doing the right thing, you are indirectly addressing the negative behavior of the other student. 

Another way you can do it is to be a little bit more light-hearted about what they are doing. So you know, sometimes you have students that have their phone out and they are watching a movie or something. You might walk up behind them very quietly and rather than rousing on them for having their phone out in the lesson, you might say something like, “What are we watching today”? In this way,  you let them know that you have seen the phone but you do not make a huge deal of it.

Another way of addressing it indirectly is this, let’s say you have somebody who is chewing gum in the class and you have a rule about gum, you might say “Hey while you are giving out gum, can I have a piece because I would like to chew my gum after school”. Then what you are doing is telling them the appropriate place to chew gum is not in the classroom but after school, you are not making a big fuss about it. So that is the second tip; respond to misbehaviour indirectly.

3. Talk about your mistakes

The third way you can address behavior is to talk about your mistakes. When I was a behavior advisory teacher, I would often have students come to my classroom who had been kicked out of their class because  they had been “red carded”. Once I knew what the behavior was, one of the techniques I would use to calm them down and get them listening to me was, I would actually tell them a story about when I  was in school. I would say, “Hey you know when I was in school I used to get into trouble a lot for doing things that my teacher did not want me to do”.

I tell them about myself getting into trouble or getting the cane. It makes them sit up and think, “Oh wow! You are a teacher, but you used to get into trouble and you used to get the cane!” So it makes them more responsive to what you are saying and then you can say “Hey look I know you are having some trouble in this class, let’s talk about it, what is going on ?”. This helps them to be more receptive because they see you as a colleague rather than somebody who is coming down on  them. They see you as somebody who has made mistakes as well.

4. Ask Questions

Now the fourth thing you can do to confront misbehavior without the argument is this, you can start by asking questions rather than giving directions. One of the things that I always like to do when I am in a class and see somebody that is off task is this; I do not come immediately over and say, “Why aren’t you writing?” or “Why aren’t you doing your work and talking instead?”

I do not start with the confrontation. What I do is, I start with asking “Hey are you ok? Do you need any help?” or “Have you got any challenges that I can help you with?”. If they are saying, ” No there’s nothing wrong,”  then say, “Ok well I would like you to get back to your work please”. So by starting with questioning rather than calling out the behavior, what you are doing is showing support. You are showing an understanding that maybe there is the potential that they need help. You are giving them a chance to respond to you positively before you actually call out the behavior and that way it softens the confrontation and avoids or minimizes the argument.

5. Help them to save face

The fifth and last thing is this; help them to save face. This is particularly important for boys who are very sensitive to public humiliation or public shame. Never call out misbehavior in front of a class. Try to do it quietly and privately so it does not cause them to lose face with their peers, especially if you have to get really stern with them about something.

The other thing that you should try to avoid is making an example of students in front of their peers, you know,  telling everybody what they have done or telling everybody how you know their behavior is inappropriate. By doing this you just humiliate them and when students feel humiliated, especially boys, they feel the need to pay you back with equal humiliation and so they will do some pretty dastardly things like call you names and attack you or go on the defensive. So you have got to really be looking to help your students to save face and not embarrass them or humiliate them in front of their peers. 

These are five ways that you can confront misbehavior and try to minimize or avoid arguments in the process.

So let’s just recap. The first one was to begin by showing your appreciation, tell them what they do well, tell them what you are proud of, tell them what you appreciate about them. The second thing is respond to misbehaving indirectly, look for ways to highlight the behavior without going head on towards it. The third one is to talk about your mistakes, tell them a story about when you used to get into trouble or when you struggled with something and you found it difficult to do the right thing. The fourth is to ask questions rather than giving orders and the last one is you need to help them avoid losing face, so do not embarrass them or humiliate them in front of their peers. These are my five keys.

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