Here it is, number two tip for engaging boys in the classroom and it is this, boys are “shame-o-phobs”. Now what I mean by that is, boys are particularly sensitive to feeling ashamed or being shamed in front of their peers.

If you as a teacher have a habit of correcting boys in front of their peers, perhaps correcting them in a manner that shames them in front of the peers, you will actually find that it works against you in the long run. When a boy is shamed in front of his peers there’s an innate sense within them to actually shame you back. 

You might have seen this frequently in your classroom. If you had to correct one of the boys in your class, maybe you’ve done it publicly or maybe you got a little bit cross with them. What will happen is they will counter. They will come back with either some back chat, they will make some funny noise or they would do something in the class to try to goad you or to shame you and to show their peers that they haven’t let you get the better of them.

How to approach the “Shame-O-Phobia”

This innate sense of shame within boys can actually be a really negative thing for you if you’re not addressing the behavior appropriately. One of the ways you can address behavior with boys without shaming them is this; I have a rule that the more escalated the situation is the quieter you need to talk, the closer you need to go to the boy. Of course if it’s a violent situation you don’t want to go close and put yourself in harm’s way. Under most circumstances when a boy is escalating or their behavior is getting out of control, the quieter you can be and the closer to them you can be is you will minimize opportunities for shame.

As you go quiet you will actually help to calm the situation down. You will help to show the boy that you’re not threatening, you’re not menacing, you’re not something that he has to be defensive about but he can actually be receptive to what you’re saying. You can actually bring them to a point where they can logically and rationally think through their behavior with you. You’ve got to make sure you don’t shame them in the process. 

Another way that shame can actually work against you as a teacher, it’s a really surprising thing. Sometimes boys don’t like being praised or celebrated in public. Some boys actually get really embarrassed by it if you give out certificates on parade or maybe you make a big deal of your student of the week in front of the whole classroom. Most kids love that sort of stuff but you might have a boy in your class who absolutely hates it.

I once worked with a boy who we used to send postcards home to, when it was positive. He got a postcard sent home and his parents didn’t speak English. His parents gave him a hiding because they thought that we were contacting them for poor behaviour management. From that time on he said, I don’t want to receive any certificates. I don’t want to have any postcards because it had that really negative stigma attached to it. I’ve had other boys that have actually said please don’t give me certificates on parade, I don’t want my friends to know that I was working well in class or that I was behaving myself. For them it’s that peer affirmation.

If they want to be one of the boys they can’t be standing out, they can’t be separate from their group. So if they are getting certificates on parade sometimes that can alienate them from their peer group in the playground.

Be mindful of how you use rewards with boys. I’m not saying don’t give public rewards or don’t give public acknowledgement. If you see it working against you with some of your boys then maybe rethink your strategy. Have a conversation with them, ask them does it embarrass you to be brought up on parade for a certificate. You might find that just that little change can actually change the way that they react and respond to you. You can find new and creative ways to actually affirm them and positively reinforce them without bringing them into an embarrassing situation. So there is two aspects to shame, boys are “shame-o-phobs”. 

3 things to remember about the Boys in your classroom when it comes to Shame.

1. Firstly when you’re correcting behavior or you’re managing behavior make sure that you don’t berate them. Don’t embarrass them in front of the peers. Get quiet and close the more intense the situation is. This will help to deescalate the situation and help to avoid shameful encounters or interactions.

2. The second is to be mindful of how you use positive rewards or reinforcement, if your boy is getting embarrassed by that public attention they may react negatively and stop behaving, so just be aware of that. 

3. The third thing that I always say is to be really careful with sarcasm. I know sarcasm can be a great tool for humor but frequently our boys don’t understand it. When you use sarcasm in the classroom it can just come across as you belittling them, that you’re making them feel ashamed in front of their peers. This can be a really negative experience for them but also manifests itself in negative behavior on the other end, so be very mindful of sarcasm. Boys love humour but not sarcasm.

So that’s your second tip for engaging boys !

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