How can you have win-win conversations when you have to discipline or reprimand a student that has been misbehaving?
Here are four tips:
- Understand the student’s point of view.
- Ask them to hear your point of view.
- Ask them to empathise.
- Hold them accountable.
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1. Understand the student’s point of view.
The first tip is this, in order to have a win-win conversation, you need to first take the time to understand their point of view. When you have got a student that has been misbehaving, the natural tendency is for you to start from the position of telling them what they did wrong.
Teachers usually start by saying, “This is what you did wrong, this is why you are in trouble, this is why I am upset with you. We start from the position of wanting them to hear our point of view. Let’s flip that around for a moment. Take the time to ask them what was going on in their heads when they did it. I am not saying to do that in a sarcastic way. Don’t say something like, “What were you thinking”? Say, “Come on, tell me, what was going on for you when that happened?”.
They usually know they are in trouble. So you might start by saying “Tell me why you think we need to have a conversation?” If they have been misbehaving they will usually identify their misbehaviour by saying, “Well I was doing this or I said this to you.” You reply,”Yes, now tell me about what was going on when you did that and why you did that. Get them to talk about their reasons. Whether you agree with their reasons and excuses or not, does not matter, what you are doing is helping them to see that you are interested in their position. If you show them that you are interested in their position, they are more likely to listen to you when it is time to talk to them about your viewpoint on the situation.
When you give a child a chance to explain themselves, to unpack what was going on in his/her head, you will understand their motivation better. It might change your perspective on how or why he /she was misbehaving but it will also help them to feel valued. It will help them to feel like you understand where they are coming from and then they will be more willing to cooperate with you.
2. Ask them to hear your point of view.
The second key is this. Once you have taken the time to understand their point of view, you need to ask them to hear your point of view. So you say, “ I hear what you are saying. Now can I tell you about what I felt or what I saw when you were doing this?” Then, get them to listen to what you say.
Do not turn it into an accusing thing, saying, “You did this, you did that”. Tell them “When you were doing that, it made me feel like this” or “When you did this, it disrupted the class and it caused a lot of problems”. Get them to hear your point of view in a way that is non-confrontational but helps them to understand where you are coming from.
3. Ask them to empathise
The third tip is tied into the previous point. You need to ask them to empathise. Ask them, “Do you understand why that behaviour was inappropriate”? Ask them to own it and say, ” Yes, I understand why my behaviour was inappropriate. I shouldn’t have said that.” Then ask them, “Do you think it was ok to speak like that to your teacher?” “Do you think it was a good choice to push that desk over when somebody was sitting at it?” Whatever the scenario might be, ask them to own their behaviour.
When they own their behaviour and take responsibility for what they did, they are more likely to cooperate with you. Moving on from there, when there is a consequence to be given, I would ask them for a solution to the misbehaviour. Once they have owned the behaviour I would say, “How do you think you can make this right? I have heard your point of view and you have heard my point of view, what do you think is going to fix this problem of the damaged relationship with your peer/ teacher?”
Ask them to engage in the process of identifying a solution. They might say “I should say sorry.” Then you say, “Well ok. Do you need help to have that conversation? Would you like me to help you have that conversation?” Get them to give a solution and then support them in enacting that solution. Following on from that, ask them to think about an appropriate consequence.
I think it’s really important that children understand that every action has consequences. So when they are coming up with a solution, we also need to prompt them to think about the consequences. Say, “Now that you’ve already admitted and accepted that your behaviour was inappropriate, let’s try to fix this”. Ask, “What do you think is a fair consequence for your behaviour?” By doing this, you help them to understand that their choices have consequences.
You will find that most kids will give themselves a harder consequence than you will ever give them. This is especially true of boys. They might say something dramatic like, “I should lose my lunch times for six weeks.” Then you can dial that back and say, “Maybe losing a few lunch times might be appropriate but perhaps not six weeks. I think if you lose lunchtime today and tomorrow that is suitable”.
What happens is, if they set the benchmark really high and you come in under it, they are more willing to accept the consequence without a fight because they were the ones that set the initial benchmark and you came in under. You will very rarely find a kid that gives himself a really low consequence once they have admitted and acknowledged their part and understood the damage that they have caused. So when you get them to set the consequence, they will fight less about receiving the consequence that you want to give them.
4. Hold them Accountable
The last tip is this, make sure you hold them accountable. There is no point having a consequence if you don’t follow through and make sure that it happens. So if you say, “You are losing your lunch time this week”, but you are not available to supervise, then you are going to have a problem because what you are saying is this, “Consequences do not mean anything and I am not going to hold you accountable”.
So it is really important that you hold them accountable for any consequence that has been discussed. If you use conversations like this, you will be able to negotiate in a win-win situation. Everybody feels like they come away having been heard. Everyone feels like they had an opportunity to share their perspective.
The students that are involved will be more willing to comply with what you are requesting of them because they do not feel like they are at loggerheads with you. They feel like they are working together on the problem with you.
So to recap; first of all, take time to hear their side of the story whether you agree with it or not. Then ask them to listen to your side of the story to give them another perspective. Ask them to own their behaviour by asking them to accept that they did the wrong thing. Ask them for a solution as to how they can fix the problem. If it’s a broken relationship, ask them what they do to fix that problem. Ask them to weigh in on their consequence as well. How much of a consequence should they get? Finally, hold them accountable. Whatever the consequence is, make sure that it is followed through, in the manner that was agreed upon.
If you follow these tips, you will find that you have less conflict when you are addressing poor or negative behaviour.
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