In this episode we are talking about winning over students even when they disagree with you. It is really tough when a student is argumentative or disagreeable and it can be really hard to get them to see things your way. I want to teach you negotiating techniques that will help you have conversations with students that are disagreeable and hopefully win them over to your perspective.
Before we get into it I want to let you know that this episode is brought to you by the Behavior Management Blueprint. This is my FREE e-book on the five key essentials of classroom management and it also comes with a free mini video course as well. You can download that by clicking the link at the end of the blog.
Prefer to watch the Video, Click here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozPudadMgYI
So what is the first thing you need to do to win students over ?
1. Learn to be Agreeable
The first thing is this, you need to learn to be agreeable. A lot of the behavior escalations that I see in classrooms start off as small disagreements but they turn into large disagreements because teachers are unwilling to discuss or negotiate with a student in an agreeable fashion. It does not mean you have to agree with the student. You have to be able to work with them in an agreeable fashion. If you take the approach when working with students that you are always right and nothing they say is going to change that, you will always have fights and escalations with your students, especially teenagers. You have to look for win-wins, you have to look for a solution where you are going to allow your students an opportunity to talk it through with you. You have to be willing to hear them out and listen to them. So that starts with an attitude change, it starts with not being disagreeable.
It starts with not just looking for arguments and looking for a fight but just to be willing to say “Ok I can see that we have a difference of opinion on this, let’s talk it through”. Now you may not talk about it at the moment but you may say to them “Let’s talk about this at the end of the lesson and work it through”. So you have got to be willing to be agreeable and have an agreeable nature.
2. Be Willing to Listen
The second thing is this, you have got to be willing to listen to a student before you actually tell them your perspective. So I always try to start by saying “Ok tell me what is upsetting you about what has just happened”. Maybe you have given them a direction and they did not follow it, they got upset or maybe you gave them a consequence they did not like. Ask them “What was going on, why were you behaving like that, tell me your perspective”. When you are listening to them you have got to be willing to actually listen without disagreeing with them. Do not listen to jump in on them or cut them off, let them talk.
Ask questions so that you understand what was happening for them at that moment. Make sure you fully understand the situation. Sometimes escalations in class are a difference of understanding, where a teacher has seen it one way and a student sees it a different way. If they can talk it through they will often find that it was blown out of proportion but you only find that out by actually listening to students and taking the time to really understand their perspective. Their perspective may not be right but if you take the time to listen to them they are more willing to actually hear your side of the story as well.
3. Ask More Questions
The third thing is this, ask more questions so that you understand. Ask questions like “Let me check if I have got this right” “Did I understand you correctly?” Then you can ask “Now can I respond and give you my perspective?” If you ask permission to respond, what will happen is they are more willing to hear you out. Students who do not feel like they are being listened to or being heard are no different to adults who don’t feel like they are being heard, they do not want to listen to you if you have not listened to them. So what I always recommend is to ask for permission to give your perspective and when they say yes they are more willing to listen to you as you give your opinion.
4. Acknowledge Their Conversation
This is the fourth thing, acknowledge the parts of their conversation that may have been misunderstood by you. Tell them “I understand that you saw it this way and I am sorry I misunderstood that and saw it a different way.” Maybe you responded in an inappropriate fashion, “I understand that my response was probably a bit aggressive and I apologize for that, now I want to tell you about what I was upset about” and then you talk about what you disagree with. So start off with finding a common ground with them. Start off by acknowledging what they have said and acknowledging that you have heard them, then you begin to present your argument. Keep emotion out of it, kids will be emotional but you should not be.
You need to stay calm, do not shout or yell at them, do not get all worked up, just say “I hear what you are saying, now let me explain what I was trying to communicate” “This is what you were doing so this is why I responded the way I did” “Do you understand what I am saying?” “Do you think your behavior was appropriate?” So I ask a lot of questions at this point “Do you think your behavior was appropriate, yes or no?” “Now we agree there was some misunderstanding and inappropriate behavior.” “What do you think an appropriate consequence might be for that behavior?” Have a conversation about it or if you are trying to help them understand then ask “Do you understand where I am coming from?” “Do you think it was unreasonable considering what I have just explained?”
Ask for more clarification. Ask for their input. If you are agreeable, listen before disagreeing, take time to understand them and then ask permission to give your perspective and then lastly take the time to acknowledge what you have heard and then express your opinion without too much emotion, what you will find is very often kids will feel heard. They will feel listened to, they will calm down and they will start to engage with you and start to talk to you.
When I was a behavior advisory teacher and I got a lot of the kids that were kicked out of the classroom. Nine times out of ten the reason they were kicked out of the classroom became way worse than it should have been. It started off with two people who were just butting heads and not listening to each other- the teacher and the student. So if you as the teacher can learn to win your students over, have calm conversations to help them understand your perspective but also take the time to understand their perspective you will find that those little escalations don’t happen as often. You will find that you keep things contained in your classroom more effectively.
So these are my thoughts on how to win students over even when they disagree with you or they are being disagreeable. I hope that really helps you.
If you want to learn more tips like these, do not forget to check out our online course called “Behavior Management Essentials.” The link is in the description below. It is four hours of content, a deep dive into behaviour management, taken from our live workshops. If you have enjoyed this, then share it with somebody that you think would benefit and I will see you next time.
If you would like to learn more about managing classroom behaviour effectively, why not check out our FREE video course Behaviour Management Blueprint. See below for details.
